Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
