i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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