whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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