Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
