as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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