my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
