so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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