It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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