i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
did i just pee glitter
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
