Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
