her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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