Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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