your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
