somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize