my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
