I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
