the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize