Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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