Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
