I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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