he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
