I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
