pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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