I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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