I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
