We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
