my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
