The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
