Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
