bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
