I hate your face
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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