i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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