Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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