I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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