JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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