What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
