that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just forgot I was standing up.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
