Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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