I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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