It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize