she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
