I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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