The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
