If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
A bitchslap is in order.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
