Will you blow on my dice?
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
