Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
