hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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