did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize