What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
