i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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