Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
