so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
