Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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