I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You may now shotgun with the bride
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
