I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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