i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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