dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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