He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize