I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
