based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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