Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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