i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
it's like iHOP with fire
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
