I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
