whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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