Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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